The Start Of A Beginning

the start of a beginning....

always the butterflies...
always the sweaty palms...
always the promises...
always the nervous anxiety…
always the rushing thoughts…

so full of hope and so full of life…
the start is the highest of the highs…

I have taken the journey through…
from the start to the end…
it’s never the same… the middle and the end…

too much to lose… too much pain to bear…
no, I won't move on from here...

I choose to stay…

let me just begin and end at the start of the beginning...

On The Edge...

I was standing on the edge looking down below...
Thinking about life and all that was long gone...
Neither future laid ahead nor past was letting go...
Cold winter breeze made me feel more alone...

I have always believed in it, but life is strange...
One moment it fills your heart with hope...
The next moment hope is thrown out of range...
This fluid nature I was finding hard to cope...

When love came visiting one of those rare days...
I forgot all about me and loved only thee...
It could have been Heaven in so many ways...
But the stay was short and it ceased to be...

I thought a while and got ready to take the fall...
But I was saved when I heard my friend's call...

Life Is Such...

Life is such…
When something is hurting you, something gets healed as well…
When you lose something, something is on its way to you…
When you are forgotten by some, others always think of you…
And even though, in the end, all that matters is you…
You know you can never find yourself, for when you woke up in the morning, you were already dead!

Life is such…
Always running ahead of you but something is still left behind…
Always promising you the moon on moonless dark nights…
Always ‘Once upon a time…’ but never the ‘Happily ever after’…
And even though, in the end, it’s just a fairly tale…
You know you wished for a happy end, only the story had too many twist and you were already dead!

Life is such…
Days run into each other in awkward pace without grace…
Days catching up and days coming on to you too strong…
Days holding you back and days letting you go so easily…
And even though, in the end, the days are numbered…
You know those days of mild summer and warm winter are waiting, too bad if you are already dead!

This Is It Or Is It?

This is it… this is where it’s supposed to be…
This is all that we ever wanted…
This is the coming true of all our dreams…

So, why am I still standing at the threshold?
Why am I still trying to figure things out and thinking so much?

It’s just a single step…
A simple gesture…
Almost a thousandth of all the actions I do in a day
Like the twitch of the eye or the snap of the finger

Just take a step and come in to your world…

I still waited… thinking if it was right… thinking if it’s the answer to all my questions… the realization of all my dreams…

I still waited… thinking a while… if this is where I can see myself lounging around when I’m old… looking at my grandchildren play… feeling your arms around me… feeling you near me… through all those years…

I still waited… and thought for long…


Then the sun went down on me… and I knew not where I was… and where I wanted to be…

I just stood there… waiting…

A Thousand Mile To Love

I leaned on to you, stranger, to get through the empty nights
Dropped few tears before I said goodbye

When I crossed the road and kept walking on
I didn’t realize I was leaving behind more than the memory of love…
To unlearn and teach myself the way to live again

I settled in at awkward pace to the new life I built

The walls are empty…
No frames or pictures fill the space…
Why remember and review those picture-perfect moments again?

There is no trace of any mirror as well…
Why take a chance to even reflect upon the past again?

Each day revealed more…
Each day showed the signs…
The present was taking over
The past was now behind….

Some thousand miles and here I am on a chilly winter night…
Taking refuge in your company again


The only difference…

No tears to shed
Or goodbye to be said

Just the thought of you
Just the sight of you
Just the smell of you
And the touch of you


I have now realized…
All through the journey
I was being born again
Just to be with you…

ख्याल या सवाल

सुना घर, खाली मकान
सन्नातों का डेरा है ये दिल मेरा

रात रोती रहती है, शाम बुझी सी रहती है
दिन में छाई रहती है एक खुमारी सी

नशे में गुम हो गए है हर दर्द कही
जो होश में आ जाऊ तो डर लगता है, मर न जाऊ कही

सिसकियाँ गूंजते है, ऐ ज़िन्दगी तेरे खाली कमरों से
मेरे आर्जूवों को कही तुने तो नहीं छुपा रखा कही

Alzheimer's And Her

Morning tea was now ready
The toast had just been buttered
You were awake already
Cleaning the room of the clutter

I sat you down on the bed
And put the tray on the table
You took a sip of tea and said
'I miss those leaves of maple.'


You were pointing at the painting
The one you drew long ago
I smiled as I remembered waiting
among the leaves, red and yellow

After lunch, we headed outside
Taking a walk in the snow
I held your hand, you turned aside
Suddenly I was feeling low


I read you the book you had bought
Holding on to the life we knew
You were lost in your own thoughts
I felt I was slipping away from you

'Such a lovely painting it is.
Did we buy it last year?'
I didn't know what to say to this
I said smiling, 'You drew it dear.'


You looked outside the window
And went for a walk alone
It seemed time was moving slow
It was long since you were gone

You were standing by the river
Looking lost, not knowing where you were
The Time was catching up faster
Memories were falling, here and there

I stared long at the painting
We were young and full of hope then
Colours of life were now fading
Soon everything will be forgotten

Talking To Self

I breathe in a life here
I breathe out a life there
I swirl, I stop, I move, I get locked
A body that lives and exist with a mind
vacant of thoughts...
Rarely, somehow I feel alive
A moment that throws a picture of you

Aim, goal - where do they dwell?
A path that sees an end midway
is where I travelled and have still to find
the 'me' I lost
No purpose, no pursuit
Halfway I was born,
back or forth I live?
Dilemma - all that I eat

Real or fake? Or am I just
on a Nobody's list
Footprints all over me
of savaged and peerly beasts
A broken-winged creature
that breathes in you palm
Drained of emotions
or never had any;
You tell me.

I am all that I know
all that was seen
A piece stolen, a part hidden
Fragments that cling on are
leftovers of me
Unfinished task, ruined in points
One by one, all that made me
drew apart... why you?

Unending nights, uncoiled days
Passed them all in
varying degrees
I have survived
a lonely spell
of abysmal grief,
a floating blame
that shrunk me all along
Whether dead or alive
or living dead..
I know not

Victory? Defeat?
Tell me what my name is...

To Love, Always (Love Oath)

To love, to wait, to believe
To have faith that things will work out
To stare and look at the wide horizon and wonder what to do!
To hold hands and walk few miles and let the silence hum a while
To wish and see the dreams come true, to be with you always,
in spirit, in heart, in thoughts

To always carry you with me
To make you a part of me, so much so that you become me
To let the moments take over me
To surrender to you, to surrender to love
To just be
In all that’s good and all that hurts
To always be each other’s guide

To calm, to soothe, to console the hard times
To rejoice, to cherish, to exult the good ones
To give the freedom, the space to be you and to be me
And yet always walk as We

To hope, to pray, to keep the faith
in love, in you, in me and in Us

When I met Love

I knew I had to talk to you
I knew I had to say, ‘Hello!’ or something like that
I knew there had to be some kind of exchange of words
I knew this could not just end without anything left unsaid
I knew all too well, but I waited for a long while

I missed many buses
I missed many cabs
I missed few minutes, then few hours
Few days and then few weeks

There was something amiss in my life
And I knew where to look for it

But in life when has it happened that you get what you want
exactly the way you want
with the person or in the situation that you want?

Few more evenings, few more wasted hours and
few more missed opportunities

Suddenly you came into my vision
That was when I knew what all I had to say
That was when I knew something was to change
And it did!

Even an end can be a pleasant feeling
An end to my wait was the beginning of another journey
Only this time, I wouldn’t be travelling all alone
I’d have someone to walk along with me
Someone to keep me company

Strange this life is!

How we can sometimes find ourselves through the lives of others
How someone can show us our own lives through their eyes
How being in love can mean much more to love about life itself

In Love, My Friend

You had fallen for the look in her eyes
The way she laughs and silently smiles
You are delirious but you are afraid to make a move
But just remember, the things we are scared of
Are usually the most worthwhile

You look at the mess you make in the name of life
All things cluttered and nothing going anywhere
You lie here in your room alone
Wondering why you haven’t moved yet
Don’t fret or fear, just ponder on in your sleep
While the river runs wild, the still water runs deep

You ain’t a waterfall, at least not just yet
When you have lived enough maybe then
You can jump and fall
Just send the ripples running for now
And let it tickle your heart and soul
Doesn’t matter if you are moving or not
All that matters is how it moves you

Live your life for now and hold onto
What you found after years
When something makes you lose control
It’s called drugs
When something makes you breakdown in tears
It’s called love
And when you have both going on
Know that there’s nothing wrong
It’s just chemistry!
When two extremes meet
It’s bound to create a massive reaction!!

Get going fella! And chin up young person
If happiness is real when shared
Why not find happiness together?
It’s about the choices you make (you said)
Don’t think alone and look back
Just ten seconds of life, after all
No time to think or regret

All the best, my friend
Meet you somewhere in the end!

9:05am, 25th September, 2009

Alive - The Hours

‘A search… A vision… A dream…
Life is not what we know but what we do…’


The darkness of my life consumes me
I search for some ray of light…


The emptiness of my days devours me
I search for some meaning…


The failure of my dreams breaks me
I search for some purpose…



I walk the days
I roam the nights

Trying to make some sense of all that I do and all that I want

Walking a tight rope between
desires and duties
life and death

Someday I know I will have to choose
Someday I know I will have to live
Someday I know my life will be real


Until then,
I walk the distance between
hopes and disappointments
dreams and heartaches


Someday I know I will be alive
and not just living…

I WAS HUMAN ONCE...

I was human once… when I was born
Several nicknames and by many adored
As I grew up, I realized how the world functions
They still called you names but with different emotions

Guarded and protected I grew up as a child
Even the harshest of words were ever so mild
As I grew up, I outgrew the shield of my protection too
With the sweetest of tongues, they hurled curses at you

Just a humble wish got me more than I wanted
My heart’s longings heard even before I demanded
As I grew up, dreams and wishes began falling apart so often
Those same hands pushed you away, the ones that held you up then

Every child learns his lessons in life the hard way
Doesn’t matter where you are born, there’s always a price to pay

I was human once, a child and a miracle
Now I am reduced to nothing more than a mere label
Either it’s black or white or yellow or brown skinned people
Or you are a nerd, a geek, a healthy man or a crippled
Too poor, too rich, too ghetto, too cheap
Too hard to believe in ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’

Look at me and tell me what you see
Can your eyes see beyond what maybe?
My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions and my believes
Are more a part of me than what you externally perceive

No judgements, no pre-conceived notions and no prejudices
Let’s start from the scratch and put together the pieces

With an open mind and an open heart if you come greet me,
Then perhaps in all probability you would truly meet me…


* I wrote this in March 2009, after I saw the film “Dead Poets’ Society” again. I don’t remember how many times I’ve seen the movie already!

ILLUSION AND WISDOM

The glass was half-empty when I drank from it
Today it seems it's half-full

The sun was setting when I was walking back home
Today it seems to rise again

The time was slipping away when I held on to it
Today it seems to move slow

The thoughts were disappearing from my head
Today it seems to fill me up

The world was proving to be an enemy then
Today it seems to befriend me

Nothing is permanent but change they say
Everything is transitory in nature

Life seems to be a permanent cycle of ups and downs
Change is also a cycle that comes and goes

What I am today, I was sometime back
What I feel today, I felt long ago

Learning not to take things to heart
Learning to hold on and to let go

Knowing I will never be complete is the wisdom
Trying and believing I am is the illusion

I am seeking the wisdom today
I am learning to let go of the illusion

THE LAST ATTEMPT

I have a dream
It's just like any other dream
It makes me smile when I think of it
It makes me hopeful of tomorrow

I have a dream
It's taking its shape at this moment
It fills me up with joy as it comes nearer
It fills me up every day

I had a dream
It was beginning to blossom in winter
It was doomed to wither away
It was never meant to be

I am still living
I held on and clung on to my life
At least what was left of it
It is how life is lived!

I am still breathing
Every day, every moment I die more
I see so much in me falling apart
I see myself losing in you

I need to feel alive again
I need to have my life again
Before I lose what is left of me
Before I forget how to live again

This may be goodbye
This may be the end
I can't say for now what lies ahead
But need to find the me inside
before I end up being alive but just dead inside

This is my chance...
This is my choice...

दोपहर ... Afternoon Walk..

कुछ देर धूप जलती रही...
कुछ देर छाव छुपती रही....
कुछ देर हम चलते रहे और
कुछ देर खामोशियाँ चुभती रही...

कुछ ख़्वाब हम बुनने लगे...
कुछ ख़्वाब हम चुनने लगे...
कुछ ख़्वाब तनहा रह गए और
कुछ ख़्वाब युही गुनगुनाने लगे...

कुछ तो हुआ था शायद...
कुछ तो मिटी थी सरहद...
कुछ तो बेख़बर थे हम और
कुछ तो खुशियाँ थी दिल में बेहद...

कुछ यादें धुंधला गई है...
कुछ यादें बहला गई है...
कुछ यादें रूठे से है और
कुछ यादें हमें रूला गई है...

कुछ देर तक हम साथ चले...
कुछ देर तक शाम ना धले...
कुछ देर तक हम फिर मिले और
कुछ देर तक लगे ज़िन्दगी गले...



* This is dedicated to the afternoon walks I took together with a friend...

The Voice Inside Of Me!

You know the words...
You know the lines...
All these efforts but
nothing really rhymes...

You know the beats...
You know the rhythm...
But making music
too cumbersome...

You know the colours...
You know the paints...
When you wield the brush
the ideas just faint...

You know the dreams...
You know the reality...
But at crucial stage
they lose their clarity...

Sitting one afternoon...
Writing in the heat...
Weighing your life
and its heartbeat...

The pulse is still there...
The blood still flowing...
You now had to figure
where you are going...

You had been travelling...
Coming and going...
Living out of a bag...
The closet's wondering...

The dust has settled
on things left behind:
Dreams on the pillow,
and friends hard to find

Knowing you had to come
pick the pieces up...
Find a thread or a string
and line them all up...

The moments you gathered...
Triumphs and mistakes...
Reevaluating them all...
Putting so much at stake...

Stirring up the past...
Decoding your self...
Taking all the chances..
Coming out of the shelf...

Still there are struggles...
Journey never ends...
You jump off the edge
and hope it all mends...

What you never risked
you will never get...
Count all your stars
before you forget...

Freedom is never free...
There's always a price...
Empty your pockets
Roll out the dice...

Say a little prayer...
Hope for the best...
When you give it all up...
You don't care for the rest

Take a chance with the one
that's filling up your senses...
Heart wants what it wants...
Drop all your defenses...

Everything happens for good...
The good and the bad...
When you risk it all...
Nothing better than that...

In the state of vulnerability
You're the strongest you can...
For He will hold you close
If betrayed by mortal men...

That's how you learn and grow...
Find the person you are...
Every struggle worthwhile...
The wounds and the scars...

Words echo in your head...
Emotions pump your heart...
But you are as confused
as you were at the start...

So, I hope the night
will do you some good...
Follow all my advice
and do what you should...

I wish I had stayed…

Little moments I searched and dug up from every corner of my mind…
Some were stupid… some silly and some really fine…

They all had to say… they all had to show…
What I wanted never to know… now

Crawling under my own skin… finding ways to hide myself…
Acting crazy and out of my mind… never needed any help… to be me... around you…
I remember every thing… and I remember I’m gonna forget everything…
What do I do? What should we do to come undone?

I know, I know, I know…
I should have stayed…
I know, I know, I know…
I wish I had stayed…
In your arms, by the fire

I wish I had stayed…
Lost in your embrace
I wish I had stayed…
Nothing left to desire
I wish I had stayed…
Staring at your face

There I go running again… finding my piece of heaven…
I scream and shout… and I doubt… if you will be… forever with me…
I am losing you… losing all your memories… from the first to the last…
What can I do? How do I hold on to you love?

I know, I know, I know…
I should have stayed…
I know, I know, I know…
I wish I had stayed…
In your arms, by the fire

I wish I had stayed…
Lost in your embrace
I wish I had stayed…
Nothing left to desire
I wish I had stayed…
Staring at your face

Oh! The night… nothing romantic… nothing cliché…

Just odd surprise… u and me and the beach house…

You asked me, ‘If I could stay’ but I ran away…

Oh! How I wish I had stayed…

Kissed you and held you in my arms…

I wish I had stayed….


[I wrote this after watching 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet few months back]

Not The Same Anymore

Don't wake me up when you go
Just a little longer let me dream

Love - as it is - hardly last enough
and now that I have found it,
I don't wanna let go... so easily...

I need to extract every bit of it...
I need to cherish every lasting moment..

I will keep on breathing, taking in all the fragrance of love
that still fills the room...
and when it's time to let go,
I know I will cease to live....

With you, I was alive...
Without you, I will only exist...
devoid of every desire, every essence, every freshness that life could ever offer...

But I loved you knowing one day you will leave me...

What's love without any risk at all?

I gambled with fate.

I lost.

But I can see...

Even you are not the same anymore!

Another Day

another day of the rain
another day of cold shoulders
another day of pretense

love was falling out of us like the drops outside

another day of pain
another day of doubts
another day of silence

no sweet nothings just the sound of the rain outside

another end to a day
another night to spent away
another dream gone astray

and like our love the rain too has ceased to fall outside

A Picture

The edges battered and worn out... the colours faded and smeared...
the sharpness gone... the vision blurred...
the thoughts disappeared… the words all spoken and lost…
have all you want but miss what you need the most…
how did you think it would all turn out to be?
Are the figures right or are you failing to see?

The life that you are living is but already dead inside...
you are just a shadow running from the sunlight...
all that is left of you is a picture of you in the past...
holding on to something that will never last..

Where to find the answers, from where the questions arise?
each moment a shock... each moment a surprise..

always discarded but never a waste... the beauty of things missed in a haste..
lying in a corner... somewhere among the self-help books in the shelf..
the pieces of me... muted spectators... crying for some selfless help..

pick me up, wipe the dust off... read me and live me
things change and people do too... so breathe me, believe me..
let the start be the beginning... let the flow be the living

come be what you are...

moving forward, walking straight... racing to the road ahead…
the journey takes its toll... on the light feathered dreams... your eyes spun..
the demons come calling way before the celebrations begun

wake me up, open my eyes... see me and live me
nothing comes easy in life... so fill me, relieve me
let the journey be the lesson, let the strength be giving

come be what you are…

falling ... crawling... dragging your feet... reaching for the sun and the stars..
choosing… searching... the best of you in the best of times by far
learning to heal... learning to move on... leaving behind the scars

hold me up, stand by me... trust me and live me
second chances - hard to find... but such love you give me
let the trust be the mission, let the faith all consuming

come be what you are...

The Truth

I drew a line and walked along with my life…
Only to reach from where I had once begun…
The struggles that I faced and all the strife…
A meaningless endeavour for God’s fun…

Success and failure are old time friends…
One rarely comes, other often drops by…
Emotion makes sense only when it ends…
My heart’s cold and rigid, don’t ask why…

Even the best in me slowly turns worse…
Benjamin had it better, ageing backwards…
I seem to pass through hope to remorse…
Losing on the way my faith and its rewards…

The yardstick of my life: the words within me….
Consumed selfishly before anyone could see…

आधे-अधूरे हम...

आधे-अधूरे रास्तों का सफर...
आधे-अधूरे सपनों का सफर...
है आधे-अधूरे रिश्तें और
कुछ अधूरे हसरतों का सफर...

निकले तो थे तलाश में लेकिन
लौट आए मंज़िल से पहले हम...

एक आधी-अधूरी ज़िन्दगी मेरी
और एक आधे-अधूरे से हम...

थी एक ख्वाहिश दिल में कही...
मिले मुकम्मल ज़िन्दगी कभी...
पर लगता है हो गई है मुझे
आदत एक अधूरी ज़िन्दगी की...

जी रहे है बेवजह सी लेकिन
ना गिला है ना कोई ग़म...

एक आधी-अधूरी ज़िन्दगी मेरी
और एक आधे-अधूरे से हम....

Saahas

निर्बल मैं... बेबस मैं...
करती नहीं कुछ... कहती नही कुछ...
एक चुप की चादर ओढ़ ली है मैंने...

सहमी मैं... डरी मैं...
अंधेरों में... सन्नाटों में...
आसू से आंखें धो ली है मैंने...

अनजान मैं... बेजान मैं...
कहानियाँ बुनती... सपनों को चुनती...
जादू की पोटली खोल ली है मैंने...

हस्ती मैं... खिलती मैं...
खिड़कियों से... झरोखों से...
एक लहर खुशी की छू ली है मैंने...

निर्भय मैं... निडर मैं...
ठानी है अब... बदलेगा सब...
अपनी ही ज़िन्दगी कब जी है मैंने?


Note:
I wrote this after watching the film, ‘Heaven On Earth’ by Deepa Mehta starring Preity Zinta

Read about the movie, check pics and trailer

Rishtey

Hai aangan mein bikhre pade sab rishtey
Kuch roothey, kuch tute se rishtey
Thi jo kabhi haste – khilkhilate se, hai ab
Uljhano mein uljhe se rishtey

Woh bin mausam ke barish mein bheegna
Woh natkhat boondon se rishtey
Woh raat ka baaton mein subah ho jaana
Woh chanchal kirnon se rishtey

Woh baithe bithaye khwaabon ka bunna
Woh sehmi ummeedon se rishtey
Woh bhoole huwe saazon ko chhedna
Woh bewaqt naghmon se rishtey

Woh raaton ko yuhi chal padna kahi
Woh anjane rahon se rishtey
Woh likhna kaagaz par apni zindagi
Woh haath ki lakeeron se rishtey

Kai baar humne uthaye hai lekin
Haathon se phisalte hai rishtey
Thak gaye hai dohrakar lekin
Na humse sambhalte hai rishtey

Phir bhi humse kyun milte hai rishtey?

SOME LOVE LASTS JUST TOO LONG...

You made your point clear…

I packed my things and left…

You said this was the end…

Nothing was left to be said…

I walked out the door…

Walked out of your life…

I thought to stop and turn…

It was only a thought…

Days piled up together…

Past remained buried…

Nothing to remember…

Work eased the pain…

One game to another…

One event to the next…

One presentation over…

The other on its way…

It was over and out…

I had not a doubt…

It took a song to remind…

I was so in love…

Memories were just lying…

Needed a scratch or two…

The singer crooning away…

‘I knew I loved you…’

Your face and your eyes…

Your lips and your touch…

The tears and goodbyes…

It came back to me again….

No matter how long ago…

Some heart never mends…

No matter when you let go…

Some love never ends…

KNOWING YOU, KNOWING ME

You love someone or you don’t love someone, heartbreak is on its way

Even when you are denied what you want, life has a way of making you stay

You complain about or shout aloud, reasons are wasted afterthoughts

What has been said or done to death and gone, the things you ought

To have missed or hit, turn back and look at your pity self once again

Before you can decide your own fate, life will leave you behind its pain

You took a break and shook your head, in a state of worldly wise wisdom

Where you landed, where you feel stuck, is once again the forsaken kingdom

You made promises or heard them uttered by some distant voices so near

The enemy far away who resides in you knows exactly whom or what you fear

You dug your own grave, garlanded your own photograph, shed a tear too

It was your funeral, your final goodbye, but you were already out of you

So cheers to you for living a life like an audience sitting through a film

The reels rolled by and reached the end; you were stuck in your own realm

Spectator of your own life, tell me if you saw what you really were inside

Were the lies white or the truth black? From you could you ever hide?

Did life did justice or did it cheat on you and left you feeling lonely and sad?

Or you knew all the ‘right’ ways but just chose to live ‘wrong’ and bad

Is there a way for me to conclude in just few simple sentences or chapters?

Or do you think your life will need a 1000 paged-book, fact-of-the-matter?

You lead your life in such a way; unwritten, unscripted thoughts and emotions

Just passed through its moments of rhythm with deep yet careless devotion

When I put my pen to paper no single word or image takes form at all

I’m just in the moment and the moment seem to last forever long

You conquer me within and I know, it’s you I long for and to whom I belong

A Prayer...

The morning dew smiles on the fresh green leaves...

A hope of a beautiful day is born...

Unaware and ignorant of their fate...

the drops dance around merrily...

As the sun appears on the horizon...

seeking the hidden with its rays...

The dew drops glitter and sparkle...

rejoicing in their magnificence...

The warmth of the sun melts them...

Soon they all disappear and die...

Sitting on my bed and looking out the window...

I watched the dance and the death...

of the once glittering morning dew...

I heard a silent prayer whispered deep in my heart...

Whether I live long or die young...

Let my life fulfil its destiny...

Let it shine and sparkle...

and dance in its magnificence...

Let it breathe and take it all in...

Let it become all that it can...

and when it touch the brilliance...

let it live no second longer...

Let it disappear and die...

like the dew drops in the morning...

Unseen by most... witnessed by few...

Like the way I saw them today...

someone will think of me and miss me...

and appreciate my life for what it was...