DESPERATION

If there ever was a moment

where everything in life

ceases to hold any kind of meaning at all

then this moment right now seems like it...

So desperate to live a real life...

So hungry to let happiness 

run through my veins and drown me in its ecstasy...

So wanting to be loved and to love...

Such desperation meets

the never-ending vacuum of a life I'm leading...

Just surviving by breathing in and breathing out...

As mechanical a man that you could find...

As empty and as lonely as possible...

It's just nothingness that greets me and meets me...

AN AFTERNOON RAIN

There's only the sound of the rain falling on the ground...

and the thunder roaring once in a while...

Hidden and safe in the comfort of my room,

I mockingly observe the world outside...

Little children dragged by their running parents

to a bus-stop or some shelter nearby...

Men running about like some drops of rain themselves,

holding their bags or newspapers or plastic bags

to shield them from getting wet in the rain...

Yet getting all soaking wet, nonetheless...

Women walking fast, tip-toeing in the rain...

covering their heads with their hands...

Serious-faced if walking alone

and giggling away if a bunch...

All the while every inanimate

and immobile living creatures

soak themselves in the rain drops...

by choice and 'out' of choice...

The benches get wet all through

in the game the rain drops play...

Each one of them vying for a dry spot

left on the benches,

till they turn wet from dry...

The leaves and the grasses, swaying

to the beats of the tiny drops of rain...

While the grasses have two left feet,

the leaves show them just how to dance...

Suddenly my smile disappeared from my face...

Wishing to get out and about

my heart didn't want to be 'hidden and safe' anymore

instead participate in the dance of the nature

and its many wonders...

A Morning Dream...

Slept through the day, the evening and the night...
And everything in between just a delirium...
The clouds had filled the whole wide sky...
Everything around had lost its equilibrium...

Slowly as the darkness engulfed the world...
My thoughts travelled through the past lane...
Random anecdotes, stories and moments...
A whirlwind of emotions - sane and insane...

Lying on Her laps, I broke down in tears...
Mourning the lost paradise I could not keep...
The ground beneath my mother's feet...
She eased my pain and lulled me to sleep....

Standing in the middle of nowhere, I shouted..
'Please wake me up and take me home...'
Jumbo and Ruby came running towards me...
Wagging their tails, barking at me to come...

Sitting next to the fire, Pupu smiled at me..
We drank some tea and ate some puris
'Even if it isn't real, I'm glad to meet you', I said...
He said, 'It's as real as your heart feels it is.'

I looked up and realised he had already gone...
Someone entered the room just then...
'Eechak daana..' Bobok came, singing a song...
I joined her along, clapping my hand...

A blinding light forced me to close my eyes...
Then I woke up to a clear new morning...
Peeping through the white clouds down on me...
Like a gem, the sun rays were sparkling...

I felt my soul was as new as the morning...
My heart cleansed and pure and free...
They cured and consoled me even in a dream...
And I knew I was born again to me..











(Note: Pupu means Grandfather and Bobok means Grandmother in Manipuri/Meitei)

Fantasy!

Fantasy...

Vague beauty...

Where do you take me?

A STORY OF LOVE

A minute I smiled...
A minute I lived...
A minute ago love was...

Still I see the form...
Still I see the light...
Still with me my love is...

A heart was broken...
A heart was dying...
A heart that was her's...

Where she lives...
Where she breathes...
Where she is... is in me...

For a while is life... my love forever is...

A SINGLE CHANCE?

The target was set...
The goal was clear...
But the aim went wrong...

Trials and errors...
That's how we learn to grow in life...
But what if there's only a single chance?

The thought was thought...
The intention was pure...
But the words went wrong...

Mistakes and goof-ups...
That's how we learn to improve in life...
But what if there's only a single chance?

He played by the rules...
He set a perfect plan...
But the outcome went wrong...

How do I tell him?
That’s how it sometimes is in life...
But what if he had only a single chance?

Sometimes what we wish for
And what we really get...
The people we want to know
And the ones we’ve met...
Are not really the same...

And there in lies the irony of it all...
Trying to catch something too big,
With something too small...

HEADACHE!

A constant throbbing!
Anxiety or is it just lack of sleep?

Hearing out thoughts...
or are they just voices in my head?

Still a sane person..
or is it a confession of an insane being?

Routine makes for a habit...
or has routine become a habit?

If at all it could be obvious...
but the obvious never reveals itself...

So, I'll just call this a 'headache'...
or is this the outcome of a headache?

FEELS LIKE HOME

Hidden behind the curtains...

Underneath the fresh paint on the walls...

Beneath the carpet floors...

Lies the world of which I now only have a memory of.

Some old frames hanging...

Some scribblings on the furniture...

Some cracks in the walls...

Reminders of the world of which I once was a part of.

As I re-visited my past... with hope to see not all is changed...

and fear that it may have...

I find my fears coming alive and mocking at me...

But as I settled down... coping and dealing with things...

some old and mostly new...

I find nothing much had changed in its essence...

Like the dust that shines in the beam of the sunlight through the window....

I find the remains of the world I left behind... sparkling bright...

through the light of things unchanged and unaffected by time...

I now feel at home... again...

AN ODE TO AN AVID EDITOR'S LOVE

I jumped from one shot to the other...
You put some smooth transitions in between them.

I observed it was too dark...
You put colour effect on it.

I complained green wasn't my colour...
You changed the hue for me.

I sat for long and just kept silent and sad...
You trimmed those moments for me.

I felt everything was moving too fast...
You slowed the motion for me.

I sulked at the sight of few people..
You replaced their shots with new.

I feared I would forget it all...
You pressed ctrl+s and rendered them all for me.

I wished I could live this moment again...
You sent the moment to playback for me.

I hoped we'd always be together...
You archived us and stored us for me.

I never said it nor did you... but we knew...
We loved each other so true...


*Dedicated to video editing... one of the things I really enjoyed doing in life... and perhaps we'll do in future too!

WITH YOU... WITHOUT YOU...

Just trying to remember... where it all began...
trying to remember where I let go...
trying to remember where you let go...

Just trying to figure out... where do I stand now...
trying to figure out if I can still feel the same...
trying to figure out if you are no more with me now...

Just trying to sort it out... where are the pieces of me..
trying to trace all that I left behind somewhere...
trying to trace all that could have been done...

Is it okay to feel it's okay when you are not?
Is it okay to sometimes fear losing all that you hold dear?
Is it okay to feel maybe it may not last at all?
Is it okay if I feel I still love you... even if you are no more?

I hope it's okay... to miss you... to cry a while sometimes..
I hope it's okay... to wish you were here... to be mad at you sometimes...

I wonder if it could be the same all over again..
I get back to my life and you are blessed eternally...

Is it wisdom or is it failure to understand life, when I dream of living a life I lived with you without your presence in it?

Is it how it is suppose to be? To move on yet carry some part of me that was in you.. those parts that made me, ME...

Is it how it is meant to be? To walk ahead.. to look back.. to still hope and love... to still believe..to still live...

A BONFIRE AND SOME NEW FRIENDS...

The silence was all dominating,
but words did find their way...
A bonfire, a starry night,
and friends having their say

Some memories woven,
some friendship formed...
Time may soon erase from our minds
the places that we roamed...

But in our hearts of hearts we know,
a moment well-lived is a moment forever...
Through time and distance, somehow
we know we'll always be together

Chalo Utho... (Get Going Now..)

Chalo utho, subah hui... Raat kab ki so chuki..
Sapnon ke dayre se nikal.. ankhen teri der talak ro chuki..
Kuch zimmedariya hain, kuch majbooriya bhi..
Khushiyon ke lamhe kayi, teri zindagi shayad kho chuki..

Ab bas daud chal.. aage baddh.. mudd ke na dekh tu piche
Jo reh gaya wo kho gaya... lamhon ko kyun tu khiche?
Kuch nakaamiya hain, kuch pareshaniya bhi..
Banzar hai yaadon ki zameen... sapne inme phir kyun tu siche?

Socha tune kuch aur tha par jo hai mila woh bhi to hai naseeb
Bikhri hui ikchchhaye ye mann ki, samet le apne kareeb
Kuch nadaniya hain, kuch bechainiya bhi..
Hai chahat kitni... par har pal tu ho raha hai samay se gareeb

Chala tha akela tu ghar se.. humsafar raah mein milte rahe
Ruthe kayi, bichchde kayi.. dard har raah mein badhte rahe
Kuch barbadiya hain, kuch aabadiya bhi..
Hai jeevan yahi.. chott bhi hass kar, raah mein silte rahe

Hai saans baaki, hai aas baaki, to rakh tu khud par bharosa
Chala chal aage, le kar tu apni kismet ka hosla

Happiness And Sorrow

We are not the same.
We have different names.

You are Happiness and I am Sorrow.
If you'll visit today, I'll come tomorrow.

You work your way out of miseries.
I deal in building sad memories.

You know how to shake a leg or two.
I tend to always have the blues.

You never run out of company.
I always tend to be lonely.

You spread laughter all around.
I live in silence without a sound.

But we are the banks of the same river.
Far apart, but facing each other.

Incomplete any life would be
Without a dose of you and a tinge of me.

We bring alive life's true essence.
When we are together it makes complete sense.

An Appeal

I have been meaning to speak to you.
Please come and have a seat.

I have been thinking a lot these days.
Look at me, please! This is serious.

I know things have not been going well.
I have not really been good to you.

I should never have let others get to me,
and vent out my anger on you.

You have always been patient with me
and bore my constant mood swings.

I hope you do know that
I have tried my best to keep you happy
and make sure you were never ignored.

Somehow the moments you churned out
revealed a different side of me.

Each happy moment you saw me exulted
and in my happiness forgot to offer
my gratitude to you.

And during the sad times
I cursed and abused you and held you responsible
for everything wrong that was done to me.

I take this moment now to reconcile,
to start afresh this relationship.

Please hold my hand and guide me,
teach me, lead me, surprise me
and take me through all your moments.

I promise this time it will be different.
Dear Life, be my friend again...

MORE OR LESS?

More certain now of my uncertainties
More doubtful now of my doubts
More fearful now of my fears

Yes, I am feeling more of me
in all the days that greet me

The more I live the more I fail to see
The more I walk the more I am lost

The more I learn the more ignorant I become
The more I question the more queries I have

Yes, I am living more of me
in all the days that meet me

The more I seek, the more I want
The more I find, the more I search

No matter how many mores I conquer, the less I'll become

For the more I know, the more I'll realise
how small I am in this vast universe

MOOD FOR LOVE?

How did it all begin?

It was slow. We didn't even know.
How love came to us!

Noticed anything different?

I wondered often. Day-dreamed even.
How simply it changed us!

What did you feel?

I smiled a lot. Lost in your thoughts.
How happy it made us!

Any uneasiness?

Always on the guard. I came to your ward.
Lovely evenings and the cautious us!

What dreams you had?

Of togetherness. Of happiness.
Such was the joy around us!

Ever lost in touch?

It took time to come. Sure was troublesome.
How silently it parted us!

Never met again?

Longed and wished. But we missed.
Nothing seemed to work for us!

Where is love then?

Hidden somewhere. Maybe here or there.
In all the places it met us!

So, is this the end?

I'm afraid my friend. We'll meet again.
When memories reveal us.

Q & A

Can I make a life out of me?

Can this life make me happy?

I sit down and count the many hours that struck me hard… the many moments that left me spell-bound… the many incidents that left me numb… the experiences that forced me to crawl back into a shell… and those that freed the bird in me…

What are the questions that I am not asking? What are the answers which are eluding me? Where do I go? Where do I travel? Is this supposed to be a journey? Or is this just a walk-through?

Am I to walk alone or to search for a company?

Are the trails going to lead me anywhere at all? Or will I just be lost somewhere again?
Is the purpose to lose myself? To shed all that binds me? To look beyond what I see?

What am I to do?

Do the questions ever end? Do the answers ever come?

What defines you? What defines me? What defines us?

Can the words, the thoughts, and our minds, ever know what is it that we are to be?

Each mind thinks its own… each face tells its story… each line leading somewhere…
Each life a thousand lives put together…

How do I define myself then?
How do we know who we are?
Is this search what we call life?
And is this life what we are searching for?

What do I do when I find it?
Will I find happiness too?
Will I cease to feel the pain… the doubts… the uncertainties… the questions?
Will I?

YOU AND I...

Each day dies a slow death...

Time travels leisurely... taking a stroll around all the places...
You and I once walked before...

Each day seems like the one before...
Moments churn out the same duties... and chores around all the places..
You and I once worked before...

Each day rolls out the same dreams...
Weaving possibilities with threads of losing hope... around all the places..
You and I once met before..

Each day shines a little less...
Sparkling smiles... glowing joys... lose their sheen... around all the places..
You and I once sat before..

Each day silence spreads some more..
Echoes of laughters.. slowly fade away... around all the places..
You and I once talked before..

Each day I fear I am losing you..
The strength of your love... grows weaker... around all the places..
You and I once were before...

Each day life succeeds further...
Our love a distant memory it seems... are these the places..
You and I once stood before?

Second Chance

The past was not perfect
There are many things I wish to forget
Life went on, I stay chained to those memories
'Wish I could change', I'd hear me say

No matter where life takes us
We'll always return to the point
where we left some questions unanswered
Today's happenings will lead us to our yesterday

Like a knot that needs to be undone
before the pearls can come together
The longer you keep the task pending
The pile of problems will keep on increasing

Without dealing with your past
the present can never be fully lived
If you've learned to live anyway
Don't be so happy for you know it too
that a half life you had been living and
you still choose to live

I am on my path to venture into the mysteries of
what I could have been and what I can now be

I'll risk my present
For this is no life at all
Pretending everything is fine
When I know what's wrong all along

The safety of today
it is hard to throw it all away
but now it's so difficult to say it's all fine
when I see the cracked lines in my life's wall

So, I'll go on my trail and mend my yesterday
to get a second chance to live a happy today

Fear

I fear failure
I fear success too
One breaks you
The other blinds you

I fear speaking
I fear silence too
One invites criticism
The other dismisses you

I fear working
I fear idleness too
One grills you
The other devours you

I fear loving
I fear not being loved too
One takes your all
The other alienates you

I fear life
I fear death too
One reveals you
The other conceals you

I fear all but what I fear more
is not to have known
what it feels like :

To rise up after a fall
To stay grounded when fame calls

To speak no matter what they say
To be quiet when words are not to be played

To do a task with all my heart
To not invest time in what's not my art

To just give and not expect in love
To accept fate and not regret being unloved

To discover oneself in one's life
To look at death as the end of all strife

So many fears I am yet to conquer
Though I am glad I enslaved the greatest fear of all:
The fear of not having lived at all!